Got any Good Scottish Jokes!

posted on February 24, 2011 by Ian MacPhee

Alright - Come one come all and share yer tales of mirth and laughter at the expense of my fellow scotsmen. No one knows how to laugh at themselves better than the scots so if you've got any great Scottish Jokes post 'em at the bottom of this thread so we can all get a laugh!

Here are two "tae" start with compliments of  that master scot, my good friend and fellow innkeeper Sir Rex Davidson of Thistledown House in North Vancouver. Just to be clear there might be a wee bit of risque subject matter so consider yerself warned! ......   :)


The Friendly Pint

 An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are all sharing a friendly pint together in the local pub. Coincidentally three flies which had been buzzing round their table dropped one into each glass, plip, plop, plunk. Like that.

"Blimey", cries the Englishman and waves for the barman's attention. "Excuse me good man, but there appears to be a fly in my ale. Could I get another"?

"Faith and begora", is heard from the Irishman as he gingerly scoops the insect from his glass with a spoon and continues drinking.

Both then look to the Scot who can be seen holding the offender over his own glass and screaming, "Spet et oot ye wee basturd. SPET ET OOOOT"!

 The Best Pub


A Scot, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub, sharing drinks. As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times!!!"



No bad eh!  Allright so if ye hav'nae gotten the idea here's a few more....


Lawyer Joke
A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."
"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."



Scottish Ingenuity
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."









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