Abbeymoore Manor: Victoria's Favourite Heritage Bed & Breakfast Inn

Piper Doon Laddie

Posted 8 months ago

...Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.



As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.


I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.



When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

Innkeeper Don

Posted 9 months ago

How does a Scottish innkeeper make scones?

First, borrow a couple of eggs…

Sir Rex

Posted 10 months ago

I was sitting at this bar in Victoria having a pint and minding my own business when two women walk in and take a seat a few stools down from me. When they order their drinks I notice they've both got strong accents that I can't quite place. I listen to them talking for a few minutes and finally ask "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" They both turn towards me with looks that could kill and one angrily replies "It's Wales you idiot." "I'm sorry" I reply, "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

Joke McMaster

Posted 1 year ago

Edinburgh house painter Smokey Macgregor was always interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

One year Canongate Church decided to do a big outside restoration job.

Smokey put in a bid for the painting part of the project and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

He erected scaffolding, set up planks and ladders, and bought many gallons of paint. And yes, I am sorry to say, even though it was for the kirk, he thinned the paint down with water.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the turf among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got to his knees and cried:

"Oh, Lord, Oh Lord, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunderous sky a mighty voice spoke. . .

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Rampant Scot

Posted 1 year ago

A recent study by a Scottish university claims that elderly people who drink whisky, beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density.

The report goes on to say that they need that extra bone density - they're the ones falling down the most.

Thirsty Scot

Posted 1 year ago

Three Scotsmen, all in their 80s and each rather hard of hearing, were playing golf one fine but windy September day.

One remarked "Windy, isn't it?" The second Scot replied "No, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday."

At that point the third man chimed in, "I'm thirsty too. Let's have a beer."

from Sir Rex

Posted 1 year ago

A salesman drove into a small town in the Highlands where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss ROBERT, The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There on an illuminated centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willie and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings.

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't miss ROBERT The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old man was still alive, much less still doing that particular act.

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his impressive appendage.

The crowd went wild. Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said ROBERT, 'Ma eyes are no' whit they used tae be.'

Scots Lad

Posted 2 years ago

Threat Levels by Nationality

I thought you guys would enjoy this ... It kinda clears up the muddle in my mind about all the different names for Terrorist Threat Levels around the world, and it's given by a prominent brain: BBC - by John Cleese

ANNOUNCEMENT

THE ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada..

THE SCOTS have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

THE FRENCH government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

ITALY has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

THE GERMANS have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose.."

BELGIANS, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

THE SPANISH are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

AUSTRALIA , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled."

FINALLY, CANADA is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.

Sarah Dolk

Posted 2 years ago

The Regiment
A Scottish officer walks into a Chemist, (Pharmacy). Strolling up to the counter in full dress he reaches down to his Sporran, opens it carefully and produces a poor excuse for a lambskin condom all tattered and torn and places it on the counter.
"How much to replace it?", he asks the Chemist. "Sixpence", the Chemist replies.
"How much to repair it?"he asks and the Chemist replies "Tuppence"
The officer nods and returns the condom to the sporran and leaves.
He returns to the Chemist the next day, places the condom on the counter and declares, "The Regiment has decided to repair it."

Fellow Scotsman

Posted 2 years ago

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen.

When they board the train the three Englishmen cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."